Tina 00:00:02 What if you could say no whenever you wanted to and not feel guilty about it? What if you stopped overcommitting yourself, started protecting your energy, and finally made time for the things that you care about? I want you to know that saying no with ease and confidence is possible. And it starts with boundaries. And that's what we've been talking about for the past six weeks. We have not including this week. We have two more weeks left of the boundary series, and I've been getting tons of questions. And if you need more support when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries in your life, I have a new course coming out. It's called Boundary Badass. It's a ten day course that's designed to help you master the art of setting boundaries with ease and confidence. This program will teach you how to stop people pleasing and start putting yourself first. It's going to help you learn how to communicate your boundaries very effectively, even with some of the toughest people, and be able to handle the pushback without second guessing yourself.
Tina 00:01:02 Live with more peace, more energy and freedom every single day. So let's be real. Boundaries aren't always easy, but they are necessary if you want to create a life that feels good. When you protect your time and your energy, you start to make space for your passions, goals, and your well-being. So if you're interested in joining me in Boundary Badass, there'll be a link in the show notes. I would love to have you, but today we are going to be talking about communicating and implementing boundaries in relationships. So let's get into it. You're listening to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. I'm your host, Tina Stinson, and I had a stroke at the age of 39 from stress and burnout that shook my world. Now I'm laying it all out. The deep level self-care practices and mindset shifts that I needed that kept me healthy, balanced, and thriving. Join me in this intimate space as we explore healing, resilience, and the soul's journey to alignment. This is where real conversations about deep level self-care happen.
Tina 00:02:16 Let's get into it. Hey guys, welcome back to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. We are in week six of the boundaries series, and today I am talking about communicating and enforcing boundaries in relationships. So communicating boundaries obviously is very essential for healthy relationships. And I talked about how when we start to create and maintain our boundaries, to protect our energy and to reduce stress and anxiety, we show up more authentically, which creates much healthier relationships, right? When we express and enforce, you know, with, you know, thoughtfully and kind with kindness, boundaries that are not acts of rejection or any type of control. They are the tools that we have for self-care, clarity and respect. I always talk about deep level self-care and surface level self-care, and I talk about how I believe boundaries are like the foundation for all self-care. Without boundaries, we could do all the things we could do. You know, the bubble baths, getting our nails done, hanging out with the friends, the massage, the the meditation, the breathwork, all the things.
Tina 00:03:36 But if we have no boundaries, we're going to constantly be beaten down and beaten down and beaten down. But if we have boundaries, we protect our energy and we start energy. I don't know why I said it like that. And we start to build like this resilience against the everyday stressors that we're faced with and we don't have resilience. We're short and we're tired and we snap at people, right? But when we start to build up that resilience, it gives us the opportunity to respond to situations instead of just reacting constantly. And that's what setting boundaries does for you. So deep level self-care practices are things like setting boundaries are things like learning how to reframe situations, decluttering your your mind, your space, and your processes. And then like surface level self-care, which is equally as important is like getting the massages and and going, having lunch with a friend or, you know, spending time reading your book. And right now I'm doing that 30 day Self-care visibility Visibility challenge on Instagram. And if you want to follow along with me, it's on the soul aligned self-care Instagram, which that link would be in the show notes if you want to find that.
Tina 00:04:47 But anyway, I'm sharing mostly surface level self-care things that I do every day like going for a walk, cuddling with my dog, reading my book, and doing like those things that really feed my soul. But if I didn't have any boundaries, it wouldn't be doing much good. It would be helping me. Maybe it would keep me at like that level point, but it's not going to help me build my resilience. It's not going to help me protect my energy, and it's not going to create space for the things that I really want to do in my life. See, when we create boundaries, we stop spending time doing things we don't want to do, and we start spending time doing the things we want to do. So boundaries serve as a way to define our limits and create space for mutual respect. Setting boundaries shifts how others respond to you over time. This will lead to more respectful and aligned connections. Okay, and this could go not just in personal relationships, but professional relationships, and at the beginning of the podcast, during the intros, I talked about the course that I'm going to be starting.
Tina 00:05:56 It's going to start November 15th. So if you want more support with setting boundaries, join me in boundary badass. But this is boundary badass. Level one and level two at some point will be all about setting boundaries in business, and which is very important and can have a different feel for it and some different strategies. So let's get into today's episode though. We're talking about starting to communicate those boundaries and starting to enforce them. So I want you to think of when you're creating a boundary. I want you to think of this as an act of you being honest, not something like not a confrontation. Because a lot of us that started out as people pleasers, myself included, found setting boundaries could feel unsafe because you were not setting boundaries. You were the people pleaser because you were an abusive situation or a traumatic situation, so it doesn't feel safe. So I want you to think of it as an act of being honest instead of a confrontation that you have to address. So setting boundaries allows you to express your needs, okay, truthfully, which creates trust in many relationships.
Tina 00:07:11 So a lot of people fear like confrontation. but sharing boundaries openly helps others understand your expectations without the guesswork. How many times have you heard that from somebody in your life, maybe even a friend or partner? Like, how am I supposed to know that you wanted that I'm not a mind reader, right? How many times have you heard that? So setting boundaries actually helps others understand your expectations. It makes it easier for them. There's no there's no guessing. When you start to communicate openly, you're offering clarity, not conflict. So this is an act of honesty, not a confrontation, it becomes easier for others to align with your needs without feeling blindsided or confused. Okay. And so I just want that to be let's like label that as a mindset shift because it feels confrontational, right? Especially if you've been doing it to protect yourself. But it's really an act of honesty and you're really helping the other person know exactly what your expectations are. Another thing that's really important to understand is that boundaries are not meant to control another person.
Tina 00:08:20 Okay, now it is your job to set the boundary and maintain it. But it's, you know, it's no one's job. It's not the other person's job to respect it. Right. They're automatically going to want to work with you if they're a good friend or a good partner. And it can take some time, especially if there were no boundaries there in the first place. So when a person doesn't necessarily, you know, respect your boundary. I would like to use another word with just like respond to your boundary right away. It doesn't necessarily mean it's an act of disrespect, it just means it's, you know, change takes time, and if you haven't had boundaries for the whole relationship, then this might be, you know, something that's going to take a little time. Boundaries are to communicate what you need to feel safe and respected. It's not meant to control the other person. They're not demands or, as I said, attempts to control someone else's behavior. Think of boundaries as kind of like instructions on how others could be in a healthy relationship with you.
Tina 00:09:23 So another response that a lot of people get is, you know, this is ridiculous. You're overreacting. This is, you know, you're so sensitive. These might be things that you hear, but being in a relationship with you is different than being in a relationship with anybody else. Everybody is different. Everybody has different needs. Everybody has different challenges, everybody has different thresholds. So the only person that knows the boundaries that you need is you. And if somebody really has a problem with you setting boundaries, then you have to ask yourself the question, how does this person benefit from me not having boundaries? And why do they want me to not have boundaries if they're not willing to work with you at all? And weeks and weeks and weeks go by and it's just this continuous argument, then maybe it's time to ask yourself that question. So this mindset shift can help release the guilt and build stronger emotional connections. It's not your job to control another person. The only person that you have that you have control over is yourself.
Tina 00:10:25 You have to learn what your needs are. And I think I talked, I started talking about, you know, some of the questions you can ask yourself and like really tuning into the way your body feels, because that's information like you are the only person that's going to know those feelings. You are the only person that's going to know where to set those boundaries. And if somebody wants to be a part of your life, then they're going to understand that this is important to you. So they're not meant to control. It's just communicating what you need to feel safe and respected in that relationship. Now, one of the things to get started with setting these boundaries, that's important that you do is to use AI statements to like, own your experience without blame, placing blame on the other person. Okay, I statements empower you to communicate your feelings without triggering defensiveness any other person. So statements like I need more time to recharge after social events, or I can't stay late without advance notice. Or I, you know, I don't know.
Tina 00:11:31 I can't think of anything I could I just, I just thought of something really funny. This was a long time ago. I was dating this guy, and he was a social butterfly. And I am not like I like being social. And I could be, you know, very social and have a good time. But I do need more time to recharge after social events and after maybe an hour or two, I'm done. I am like really done and I just want to be home, you know? And but I do love going out and connecting with other people. And so we created a safety word, which was like a joke because it wasn't like a, a safety word, like some people define safety words, but it was more like when he was just like, not done, which he never was done. He was he was very social. And I was done instead of me getting angry with him because that's what would happen, I would be like, I want to leave, and I would end up getting angry because he wouldn't leave.
Tina 00:12:25 He wasn't he wasn't listening to me. He didn't understand it because he wasn't like that. And so we created this safety word for me to say when I was done. So he knew what it meant. and it did. It work sometimes, but it was. It was pretty funny. But that's what that statement reminds me of. Anyway, using. I really just places it on you, attempting to communicate what you need to feel safe in that moment. And it's not placing some kind of blame on the other person. I'm not blaming like I wasn't blaming him for being social. It wasn't his fault. And I think it was great that he wanted to have fun, you know? But I was done and we came together, so we have to leave. Or if there's a way for me to leave without you. This was before, like, Uber was really popular. That's how long ago it was. So anyway, using those AI statements can really, really help. Because if you start to place blame on the other person, as soon as that happens, as soon as they start to get defensive, they're going to not hear another thing that you say after that, that point, okay, so this keeps the conversation open and the other person still listening.
Tina 00:13:35 Now, another thing that you can expect is resistance. It's totally normal, but so that means what that means that consistency is absolutely crucial. So whenever you establish new boundaries, especially with those not accustomed to you having those boundaries, you may encounter resistance. They might test your limits, either consciously or unconsciously. I personally believe that most of the time is unconscious. I don't think people consciously like push you. I mean, maybe if it's the type of relationship where, you know, it's a narcissistic relationship and the person is like just trying to gaslight you. And in that case, the boundary is probably never going to be set. It's never going to work because that relationship is in a healthy relationship, and that other person is really just benefiting from you being that people pleaser. So I think it's pretty unconscious and not always intentional, but consistency is the key to reinforcing the boundaries. The more constant you are, the fastest. Other will adjust, others will start to adjust for it. And like I always say, the boundary setting and maintaining the boundaries as 100% your responsibility, not the other person's.
Tina 00:14:45 The other person is worried about themselves, right? They're going to figure it out sooner or later. The more that you communicate this to them. But it's not their job to you. Saying your boundary one time and then them respecting it. It's not their job to remember exactly how you wish to be treated and from that point forward, do it perfectly. That sounds like when you say it that way, it sounds crazy, right? And so it's very, very important to be consistent and not give up. And, you know, continue to use the I statements to communicate the boundary. Now, enforcing boundaries does get easier over time. And I have to say, the more you get used to having boundaries, the less you're willing to not have boundaries. It's almost a reef. It becomes a reflex. It absolutely does. It's it's not something you have to think about. Like like today I'm going to give you, like, actual steps to walk through. It's not like you have to do that every time you set a boundary.
Tina 00:15:43 Once you start to get used to it. I'm just going to tell you it's infectious because it protects your energy. You feel better, your relationships are better. Everything is at ease. You feel more authentic, your relationship grows and get stronger. You're closer with this person, so it does. It gets easier over time. The initial discomfort of enforcing a boundary tends to lessen with practice over time. As you grow more comfortable with your boundaries, they become a second nature. And I can attest to this. I was the top notch people pleaser. I don't know how many years ago this was over over ten years ago. Maybe 15 years ago. maybe even longer. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's been a long time. So it's going to be like now it's second nature. I can't even think this certain boundaries I have where like, I would never absolutely ever allow it. Like to, you know, not being forced like it's unthinkable to me, if that makes sense. When before it was just something that happened all the time, right.
Tina 00:16:50 Others will also start to begin to respect them naturally because they see you're serious and consistent about your enforcement. And as I always say, we teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. So this is about you. It's not about the other person. It's 100% about you learning what your wants are, what your needs are, how you feel comfortable in a relationship, and communicating that effectively to the other person. And and then they will automatically begin to respect them naturally. I want you to push, you know, instead of thinking about yourself, I want you to think of a person that you have in your life, whether it's a friend, a partner, a parent, a relative, whatever it is that has a strong boundary that just it just won't like, won't be crossed. Like there's no way that they won't enforce this boundary because everybody has somebody like that. Everybody. I'm trying to think of one right now. I don't have anything popping into my head. Nothing, actually.
Tina 00:17:51 I can think of a really funny one. so I was vegan at one time. I would call myself plant based. Now I'm, I guess, or vegetarian or whatever you want to call it. But I haven't eaten meat probably since 2007. Right. And that's just something I'm really not willing to do, right? I'm I'm just it's not it's, you know, it's not going to it's not going to happen. Right. So think of it as something as strict as that. Or maybe you're not a smoker, right? You don't smoke cigarettes. You don't like to be around people with people. Cigarettes. It's a boundary that you're not willing to, you know, nobody's you're not willing to let anybody cross that boundary. So if you're if you go to like a party and everybody's smoking in the house, you would leave, right? I honestly would leave like, I can't. It actually makes me physically ill. But think of a strong boundary like that and then think of like use those guidelines to compare to a boundary that you need to set.
Tina 00:18:52 That sounds difficult. Okay, eventually it's going to become so much easier. Now another thing that's really important to remember is that your boundaries evolve. They change over time. They may change based on like your life circumstances, your personal growth. So like you may, you know, set a boundary and you may not like set it with your full chest if you know what I mean. And then once you got it, you know, once you're grooving with that boundary, you might be like, you know, that just wasn't enough. It needs to be a little bit stronger. It needs to be a little bit more of whatever. Okay. So personal growth or, you know, it just might be new experiences. And I was going to mention that earlier when I was talking and saying how easy it is for me to set boundaries, I still have to set boundaries for certain things. You get a new friend. Maybe it's a new relationship. They don't know anything about you. You have to show them how you wish to be in a relationship, and they're going to show you how they wish to be in a relationship.
Tina 00:19:54 Okay, as you grow more self-aware, you may need to adjust or create new boundaries. So remember, stay flexible, but be intentional. What worked last year may not work next year. And that's okay. And that's something, you know, that's something that might come up if you're talking to a friend or a partner. They might be like, well, you told me that this is what you expected and now you're changing it. And you could just say, yeah, this is 100% me. You know, I've changed. I, you know, I feel differently now. And, you know, this is this is what I, you know, this is what this is how I feel and this is how this is how I'm experiencing this. And so you're just communicating the new boundary. Now some people, including myself, feel really guilty setting boundaries. It does. It feels icky, right? Sometimes it feels icky. I want you to go back to the first point that I brought up was, it's not about confrontation, right? It's about being honest.
Tina 00:20:58 So that's the first mindset shift I want you to focus on when you start feeling guilty or icky for doing this, okay? Guilt shows up when setting boundaries. When you're setting boundaries because you're afraid of disappointing the other person, or you're afraid of being perceived as maybe selfish or you're afraid of a confrontation. This is especially true for us people pleasers. Remember, boundaries aren't about being selfish. They're about being clear on what you need to stay healthy and balance. It's being clear about what you need and how you want to experience that relationship with that other person. So the more you practice, the guilt will fade as you start to experience that peace and that freedom that you get from setting those boundaries. So whenever that guilt pops up, I want you to say to yourself, this isn't about confrontation. This isn't about control. This is about just me being honest with you. Okay, so this week's out action step once again is to set a boundary and within a relationship. So choose a boundary that you need to work on okay.
Tina 00:22:01 And then write down how it makes you feel when this boundary isn't respected. How does that feel not having a boundary where that is? Then I want you to create a script using the I statements to communicate the boundary very clearly. I want you to plan how you're going to maintain it through follow ups and reinforcement. And I want you to acknowledge that, you know, it's going to have to be it's going to take some time, acknowledge that it's not a one and done kind of deal. You don't say it once and then it happens. It's consistency. So let's let's remember that. And then I want you to visualize how you're going to feel when this boundary is honored consistently and you're protecting that energy. You're getting your time back and you're more connected with that person and the relationships feels more authentic. How are you going to feel? So as an example, you know, an example script, you could say something like, you know, and this is me. Totally. All right. I some people don't handle change very well when it comes to plans.
Tina 00:23:06 I like to know about them. Sometimes I'm okay with someone's like, let's just do this, you know, but if I have some set plans that I've been looking forward to and it's in my head, I. I can get like upset. If someone tries to change them. I can do it. You know, it's not that I can't do it, but I just like to know ahead of time, you know what I'm saying? So you could say I feel overwhelmed when I receive last minute changes to my plans going forward. Can you please at least give me, like, some notice for any changes so that I could just mentally prepare myself and that's that's a boundary. And then you might have to remind that person over and over again a few times, but eventually they'll remember, you know, because my kids know me, they know I don't like that. They know it. They know I want to be informed. And it's never been like, I don't think I've ever, like, actually sat down and said it to them.
Tina 00:23:57 I think they just know how I react. So I think they know me well enough to know that I hate those last minute changes. but as I get older, this is definitely something that I don't feel as strongly about. So it's funny. So as I said, you know, boundaries evolve. They change over time. So using this framework, choosing the boundary, how does it make you feel when it's not there? Create the script. Plan how you're going to maintain it. Remember to be consistent and then visualize how you're going to feel when the boundaries honored using that framework. I want you to write your own script for a boundary that will bring more peace into your life. Okay. And before I go, I'm going to give you a few journal prompts. Okay. So the first journal prompt is how do I feel when I communicate my boundaries? Okay. And if that guilt comes up, remember the mindset shift that this is just honesty. It's not confrontation. The next one is what makes it challenging to set and enforce boundaries.
Tina 00:24:58 So ask yourself the question so that you know you know yourself deeper. And then lastly, what strategies can I use to stay consistent and kind in my boundary setting process? Remember to use those eyes statements all the time. So by starting to like implement clear communication with like your reinforcement, like being consistent, your boundaries are going to become stronger and your relationships are going to be stronger and more authentic. You're going to feel a closer connection. And remember, once again, boundaries teach people how to treat you not by forcing change, but by offering more clarity, respect, and honesty. So I hope that was helpful to you. Once again, if you want to join me in Boundary Badass, the link is going to be in the show notes and we start November 15th. The way it works is I'm going to have there's going to be five different days where I'm going to go live, and then we're going to have a day in between to implement some of the things that we're learning. So it's going to be like a ten day total.
Tina 00:26:01 And I would love to have you. If you have any questions, just reach out to me at Tina at Tina stinson.com. I love you guys and I'll see you next week. Bye.
