Tina 00:00:00 Hey guys, welcome back to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. We are continuing on with the boundaries series. And last week we talked about starting to break free from people pleasing. And this week we're talking about how can we learn to spot where we need to set a boundary. Like how do we know? Because when I was in that situation where I was so disconnected with myself, I really didn't know I needed to set a boundary. So how do we know? I'm going to give you a few simple questions that you could ask yourself. So let's get into it. You're listening to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. I'm your host, Tina Stinson, and I had a stroke at the age of 39 from stress and burnout that shook my world. Now I'm laying it all out. The deep level self-care practices and mindset shifts that I needed that kept me healthy, balanced, and thriving. Join me in this intimate space as we explore healing, resilience, and the soul's journey to alignment. This is where real conversations about deep level self-care happen.
Tina 00:01:09 Let's get into it. Hey guys, welcome back to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. I'm your host, Tina Stinson, and I want to thank you for joining me today. Those of you that come back week after week and hang out with me, I love you so much. Thank you so much. And if you haven't subscribed to the podcast, please subscribe so you don't miss any of the part of this boundary series that I'm getting started. There's going to be eight parts, and so be sure to subscribe so that you get notified each week when I release a new episode. New episodes come out on Wednesdays and guest episodes come out on Fridays. So you'll see me come on here every Wednesday with a new episode on boundaries. Last week we talked all about breaking free from people pleasing. And I shared my story and why boundaries really, really matter. And this week we're talking about the emotional toll of people pleasing and the first step to setting boundaries, and that is knowing where you need to set them.
Tina 00:02:14 And as I talked about in the intro, when I was in like such a state of like burnout, I was in such a state of fight or flight. I was so disconnected with my body, I just really was second guessing every decision I made. I didn't trust myself anymore. It was really hard for me to know, you know, almost like I just didn't trust myself anymore. I don't know how to explain it. Anybody who has been in a relationship with somebody who's a narcissist who just gets totally, you're totally gaslit all the time. You just like I thought something was continuously wrong with me. I was doing everything wrong. Why couldn't I get it right? You know, so I, I didn't really feel like I needed to set a boundary. And I'm going to tell you, there was this point in my relationship, I reached a point and it took me way too long to get there. But where this person I was in the relationship was said something to me and they said this thing to me so many times this was like a weekly occurrence where they said, why can't you just be like this person? Why can't you be like so-and-so's wife and do this? Why can't you be like so-and-so's wife and be like this, look like that? Or, you know, act like that, right? I mean, things like, why can't you be classy or why can't you look like, you know, like it's just why can't you clean the table the way she cleans the table? I swear to God, it was just like a continuous, like, comparison.
Tina 00:03:41 And then I just. I got to this point because there was this one person that I was being compared to all the time. It was the same person. And I got to this point where I didn't even like this person, and it wasn't because of the comparison. I just really didn't like her. I had nothing in common with her, and I finally came to the realization like, I don't. Even if I could be like her, like morph into her. I don't want to be like her because I don't even like her. I don't like who she is. I don't like the way she acts. I don't like what she looks like. She was definitely like a pick me kind of a girl, you know what I mean? So, like, she was just trying to please and please and please everyone. She was a people. Pleased to, I guess. So. Anyway, I didn't want to be like her. And then I thought to myself, this was like the lightbulb moment for me.
Tina 00:04:27 I was like, you know what? I can't be like that because that's not me. And if that makes me a loser, if that makes me an idiot, if that makes me stupid, these are all the things that I was called in this relationship. Then so be it then. That's what I am. Like, I just I got to the point where I was just like, screw it, this is who I am, like, and I don't really care. And I started that's when I started setting boundaries. That is right when I started saying, this is me, take it or leave it, you know, and that was like the the end of that relationship, really. As soon as I grew a backbone and started setting boundaries, like slowly but surely, that was the end of that relationship. And, it was it was such a pivotal moment, and it took me years to really, I would say probably a couple of years, because it was so long since I had any boundaries.
Tina 00:05:21 I had no boundaries. So it took me years to really master it and be able to do it and feel comfortable with it. And I think I talked about that last week, how setting boundaries, if you're, you know, a people pleaser for a long period of time can feel really uncomfortable in your body. And if you're and if you're a people pleaser because you're a survivor of trauma or you're experiencing abuse in some way, shape or form, it's kept you safe. So setting boundaries can feel really unsafe in your body. And so I always suggest that you give yourself grace when you're doing this. Give yourself time and set the easiest boundaries first. You know, maybe start setting boundaries with yourself first? So I want to just, like, bring that up. As a note, if you start to to feel that way, just acknowledge it. Feel it. You're allowed to feel these things. Let them come up, feel it and then move forward from there. And I also want to acknowledge if you need if you're in a situation where you are unsafe, then, you know, stop listening to this podcast right now and call someone that can help you.
Tina 00:06:26 And if you need help finding a contact to help you in that situation, please reach out to me. And so now I'm going to get really into the emotional toll that happens when you are a people pleaser. And this is something I learned, actually, after I started setting boundaries, because I noticed how all my relationships changed. So even though I was a people pleaser out of survival, I did it everywhere in my life because that's just what I became. And so every relationship I formed, including ones with good, like girlfriends, you know, family members. I was a people pleaser. And what happened was the toll that it took on me. And I didn't realize this until I really got to the point where I was really protecting my energy. I was setting strong boundaries and maintaining them so that I could thrive and I could feel empowered. I realized that most of the people that were in my life, I had nothing in common with them, absolutely nothing. And so that's one of the emotional tolls that you might experience, because when you're a people pleaser, you're kind of almost like morphing into the type of person that whoever you're with wants to be with.
Tina 00:07:42 You're doing everything to make them happy. And so if they want you to have this opinion, then you have that opinion. You know, if they want to do that, like you hanging out with them, they want to go to that coffee shop, but they want to have that for dinner, even if you don't like it, if you're a people pleaser, you're going to do it because you want to make them happy. You're afraid of being rejected. So slowly. As I started setting boundaries, there were people in my life where I was like, wow! Like, why was I friends with this person? Like, how did this even happen? Like, it was just so astounding to me that it was something that I never really noticed. And there was a little clues here and there, like little red flags that I noticed, like one of them was all of my friends were so different from one another that I couldn't put them all in the same room because they wouldn't get along. And I never really understood that.
Tina 00:08:32 I was like, why can't they get along? Why can't they hang out? I can hang out with all of them. And it was because I was a different person around each one of these people. And so they were so different from one another. Getting them all into the same room to hang out would just be awkward and uncomfortable. And so it was very interesting. All the relationships that, you know, I create, I created long term relationships to some of them. and I'm not saying that I don't like, care for these people or I don't love them deeply because some of these people were really good friends. I just realized I had nothing in common with them and slowly just kind of got drawn apart. It wasn't like some kind of a dramatic ending of a relationship. It was just something that kind of morphed away, like if I once I started setting boundaries and offering my opinion and telling people what I liked, then they kind of were drawn away from me because those weren't my people.
Tina 00:09:29 And so that is one of the tolls and one of the one of the benefits to setting boundaries and really being authentically yourself and sharing with people exactly who you are is then you're going to be surrounded by all of your people. All of the people that are meant to be in your life will automatically be attracted to you, and all the people that aren't meant to be in your life will fall away. So it sounds scary, right? So it sounds scary that maybe all like the people in your life right now might, like, shift a little bit. but it actually is beautiful when it happens because you have these deeper, more authentic relationships. You feel better, you're less stressed, you're less anxious, you have more energy because being someone else is a lot of work. Being yourself is so much easier. And so the emotional toll is it's like everywhere, really. It hits you everywhere, not just in your relationships, but in your energy levels and your health. Okay, and how about not being honest with yourself for so long? It has like an effect on your self-worth because it's like, if I have to be this other person every time I hang out with these people, and that's the only type of person they're going to love, that's the only type of person they're going to accept and include.
Tina 00:10:51 Then how would that make me feel if I can't actually be myself, I can't be my authentic itself. So that makes me feel like I'm kind of like my my self-worth goes down. You know, it's circling the toilet because I don't believe that I'm worthy of being in any of these relationships. I don't realize that there's people out there that are meant to be in my life, that are meant to be. I'm meant to be surrounded by them. So you're not even giving yourself the chance to have the most beautiful, deep, connected relationships that you can. So setting boundaries and maintaining them, like I said last week, is the foundation to all self-care. But it's also a foundation for self-worth, and it's also a foundation to support and step into and and be empowered by your true self to truly, authentically who you are. Nothing feels better than being able to show up 100% as yourself. And maybe there's some people listening to this and they're like, I don't know what she's talking about. And maybe it's because you have strong boundaries, Is.
Tina 00:11:57 But for such a long time, a long period of my adult life, I really didn't. And so when I did finally step into myself and set boundaries and maintain them and protected my energy, it felt like I was coming home again. It felt so comfortable. It feels so good to be able to just get up in the morning and show up as you know, just me, and that's it. And that's good enough. I am what I am and that's enough. Right? So, so those that that is one of the biggest reasons I could give you, besides being the foundation of all self-care and self-love. As if that's not enough, having such authentic relationships and and improving your self-worth and, like, thriving in your life and being surrounded by all the people that are supposed to be around you, it's just it's so powerful. And so now I'm going to get into the part, that where I share with you just a few questions, simple questions that you could start asking yourself. Because if you were like me and you were in that position where, I'm not sure if I ever got that little light bulb moment, that epiphany where I was like, wait a minute, I don't want to be here.
Tina 00:13:15 Like, you know, I don't know how long it would have taken me to get there. And I know there's people out there that have always been a people pleaser, and they always will be. And and that makes me really sad, because even though I think they'll have some good experiences in life and good relationships, they could be so much better when they're stepping into themselves. And so by asking these questions, if you're really struggling to find those places where, you know, like you were disconnected the way I was, these questions will really help you get there. And so the first question I want to ask, I want you to ask yourself is, oh, well, this is more of an awareness, right? So whenever I'm doing anything, awareness is always the first step. So I want you to be aware right in your body how you feel as you're moving about your day and you're doing things so like you wake up in the morning, what are you doing? You know, are you doing something for yourself or are you doing something for someone else? How does it feel in your body? Does it feel icky or you don't want to do it? Or you're like, I love doing this.
Tina 00:14:16 I'm going to do this every morning. So just start paying attention to how you feel in your body, and then you're going to ask yourself the question, where do I feel like I'm not appreciated? Okay, just figure out all those places in a relationship. Maybe your partner, it could be your children. It could be your parents, it could be a work relationship. It could be in your business. Where do I not feel appreciated? Where do I feel like someone's walking all over me? Do you say do actually say those things. You never appreciate me. Oh, everybody just walks all over me all the time. Do you say those things to yourself? Where do you feel like you're not being valued. You know, like people don't see your value, you know, which is kind of the same question as not appreciated. But you could move this into like work or business. Where do you feel like you're not being valued? People don't see you value, they take you for granted.
Tina 00:15:18 Where do you feel like you're being taken for granted? Just start asking these questions and then, you know, in the beginning, as I said, I want you to be aware of how these things feel in your body. Right. So it's like a combination of asking yourself those questions and seeing how different the different things you do when you go about your day. You can even go as far as to write them down. Like, I got up, I made breakfast for my kids. How did that make you feel? Did that feel good in your body or is that something you really don't want to do? Are your kids old enough to make their own breakfast? I made lunch for my partner so they could bring it to work. Does your partner ever make lunch for you? Maybe you're feeling resentful. Maybe you're feeling like they don't value that. They don't. They take it for granted. Like ask yourself those questions and then start making the shifts that you need. Like maybe the boundary, as I said before, is someone that you have to set for yourself.
Tina 00:16:14 You know, I'm not going to, you know, make lunch for my partner every day. Maybe I'm going to work out some kind of an agreement where I'll make lunch this week, and then he'll he or she will make lunch next week. Right. And so just finding those little places where you find joy and where you don't find joy, you know, you're going to work. You hate work. You feel like as soon as you get in the car to drive to work, you feel drained. Is there a different position you could step into? Is there something you could do at your your place of work that can make it a better experience, even improving your surroundings? Decorating your your desk. If you have a desk like how could you improve it? How can you, How can you shift? Maybe you could shift positions at the same company you work for. How can you shift it to make better? And if you can't make it better, how can you add joy in the other areas of your life in order to kind of bring that joy into your life, even though you don't feel like you're going to be able to have that during your workday? How can you bring joy into all those other areas of your life? You come home from work, you cook dinner.
Tina 00:17:23 Do you want to cook dinner because you don't have to? Nobody says you have to. And so how can you delegate this? How can you, how can you change this? How can can somebody else cook dinner sometimes? Can you just eat out sometimes? Can you order one of those meal kits that comes in to make it easier and more fun.
Tina 00:17:41 To take.
Tina 00:17:42 Turns with the other people that are living in the household? Because it's a group effort, isn't it? It's not just it's not just it's not supposed to be up to one person, even though it might have been that way for years. It's not supposed to be. And so ask yourself all those different places where those boundaries need to be. And, you know, you could write down all the different areas where you think the boundaries need to be. That doesn't mean you have to set a boundary right now, today, because what I always suggest is start with the easy ones first until you get the hang of it and you're comfortable maintaining it, and then move forward from there.
Tina 00:18:16 And we're going to move through different ways to set boundaries as I go through this series. But really, this week is all about checking in with yourself and seeing where the boundaries need to be, asking yourself those questions and going through your day and seeing how you feel about the different, the different ways you spend your time and how can you shift in order to make your life a better experience. Because shifting out of people pleasing into a boundary badass is also about shifting out of victim mode and shifting into taking responsibility for yourself. And one of the things that I'll talk about during this series is the fact that setting and maintaining your boundaries is 100% your responsibility. It's no one else's job to respect your boundary. It's about just continuously maintaining it because people, you know, everybody's worried about themselves, everybody's focused on themselves. And people don't always cross your boundaries because they don't respect you or because they're not being kind to you. Sometimes it's just a out of out of their mind. It's something they're not used to, and you have to continuously remind them.
Tina 00:19:34 There's also people who do step over your boundaries on purpose, and these are the people that will fall out of your life once you have strong boundaries. And so I want you to start by just finding those places and maybe making a list of all the places in the future where you think you could set a boundary, and this would make you feel empowered. This would make you feel supported and this would make you, or I should say this would help you thrive in your life moving forward. Okay guys, that's it for this week. And I think that's enough to go through because it could be quite, eye opening. I feel like the first time I made a list of boundaries, it was probably three pages long. It was to me, it was like a little overwhelming. But do like I said, focus on one at a time. That's all you have to. You don't have to focus on the enormity of the of the process. You have to just focus on the next step. Always just focus on the next step, which is setting the easiest boundary you could set and maintain to start off with until you get comfortable with it.
Tina 00:20:43 So start with that, okay? If you have any questions, you can reach out to me. tune in next Wednesday. And like I said, be sure to subscribe so that you don't miss any parts of this series. Okay? I love.
Tina 00:20:55 You guys. Bye.
