Tina 00:00:00 If you've ever felt like you're constantly putting others first, sacrificing your needs and tiptoeing around conflict just to keep the peace, then this series that I'm about to start on, the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast is for you. I know firsthand how exhausting it could be. After 20 years in a verbally abusive relationship, I realized I had been people pleasing to protect myself, to avoid conflict, and to keep the peace. It took years of learning to trust myself again and setting powerful boundaries to rediscover my worth and rebuild my life. Now I'm here to help you do the same over the next few episodes. Actually, it's going to be quite a few episodes. We're going to explore how you can reclaim your power, stop seeking external validation, and start living authentically. We'll talk about how boundaries aren't just rules for others, they're your personal declarations of what feels right to you. So if you're ready to break free from people pleasing, learn how to trust your inner voice and become a true boundary badass, then you're in the right place.
Tina 00:01:05 Let's get started. You're listening to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. I'm your host, Tina Stinson, and I had a stroke at the age of 39 from stress and burnout that shook my world. Now I'm laying it all out. The deep level self-care practices and mindset shifts that I needed that kept me healthy, balanced, and thriving. Join me in this intimate space as we explore healing, resilience, and the soul's journey to alignment. This is where real conversations about deep level self-care happen. Let's get into it. Hey guys, welcome back to the Soul Aligned Self-care podcast. I'm so excited because today we are going to be starting a new series, just like I talked about on the intro. I've been thinking about doing this for a long time, and I've shared bits and pieces of my story and why it is that I do what I do here at Soul Aligned Self-care. But through this series, I'm going to be sharing some really deeply personal stories about how I went from a people pleaser to a boundary badass.
Tina 00:02:24 And today I'm going to be talking about breaking free from people pleasing and why boundaries are so important, and why I think boundaries are the foundation of most other self-care and self-love practices that you're going to be doing. If you were in any type of situation like me, where you're rebuilding your self-worth and your trust and yourself. And so today, as I said, let's get into first why people people pleaser in the first place. And I think it's really important to understand all the different places where, you know, this might start. So that's that's what we're going to get into. So one of the first reasons I think people start now, this isn't like going from most important to least important. I think these are just all these different situations are different reasons. Maybe one or maybe multiple of multiple of these different reasons why people start people pleasing. And one of them is fear of rejection and abandonment. And so you might say to yourself, or you might think to yourself, if I don't meet this other person's expectations, then this will happen.
Tina 00:03:41 And it could be a number of things like they're they're going to reject me. They're they're going to abandon me. And this could come from an adult, this can come from a child. But that's one of the very basic reasons why you might be drawn to, drawn into people pleasing. And I don't believe we do this intentionally or on purpose? I believe that this is just something that happens as a reaction to another thing in our life. So maybe there's a reason that we feel like we are going to get rejected or we are going to be abandoned. It might be just some kind of a very raw feeling. And, you know, if you're a child and you feel this way, then people pleasing might be a way for you to like, deal with that situation. Another reason that people, people please, is just low self-esteem and low self-esteem is usually caused by something else, right? We're not born with low self-esteem. We're born with, like, complete. You know, we are completely worthy of everything.
Tina 00:04:41 Even though we have nothing to offer. We're completely we can't do anything. We can't do anything for anybody. We we're not working. We're not earning any money. We don't have to earn our worth. We're just born worthy. And that's the way it's supposed to stay in our lives. But what happens is, you know, we're exposed to all these different ideas, circumstances, people, all these different things that convince us otherwise and that that makes us change our belief systems and then our behaviors and the way that we act in the world and the way that we feel in the world. And so if we we struggle with low self-worth, then or if we tie like our tie our self-worth to how much we can do for others, you know, you might you might feel like you can't be loved or accepted unless you're constantly doing stuff for others. You're like, constantly trying to create worth, you know, by doing, doing, doing another. Sometimes this is created in childhood. Like you might grow up this way.
Tina 00:05:45 So love was only given or approval was only given when you were good. And I'm doing, you know, little, you know, high marks with my fingers. You know when you're good, when you're behaving, when you're getting good grades, that's the only time that you're going to get attention or love when you're good. Okay, so then that could stem into also not just B being a people pleaser, but like an overachiever. Another reason for people pleasing is to avoid conflict. And I think this is I don't know. To me I feel like this is very, very common. So you're just trying to avoid any type of conflict or confrontation. And there could be so many different reasons for that, you know, and I'll get into that in a little while. Another thing is just a desire for approval, and this is another way for you to get your self worth from external sources. You know, this is also like overachieving. Like, if I do this, then I'm always going to be loved.
Tina 00:06:44 I'm always going to be, you know, included and approved of by everybody, by my peers, by my family, whoever it might be. Another thing is guilt and responsibility. And this is like a big one because this is like, I think, one of the number one things that moms feel. They feel guilty if they put their own needs before others. I call it mom guilt. And this comes from like, I believe, a lot of societal conditioning. And, you know, especially for women we're brought up to and we're taught to like, take care of everybody else before we take care of ourselves. Put everybody else first before we take care of ourselves. And still to this day, a lot of women like, wear this with a badge of honor. Like, I've done this, this and this and this, even while even if they're falling apart on the inside and they're so stressed out, they're not taking care of themselves. And this is so counterproductive, because when we take care of ourselves at the highest level, that's when we get to present that version of ourselves to everybody in our lives.
Tina 00:07:47 So, like, wouldn't you rather take care of your children, your partner, your family, whoever your business, whatever all those things? And in the highest version of yourself, rather than this depleted, stressed out, just small part of who you could possibly be. Right. So it really doesn't serve anyone to put everybody else first and not take care of yourself. It doesn't serve anybody. Nobody benefits from it. Not only are you not taking care of yourself, but you're showing others who you might be a role model for, say, your children or even your partner, or the people in your life, your friends and your family. You're showing them that you know self-care is not needed. Self-love is not needed. We're not. It's not something that's important in order to be healthy in your life and fulfilled. Which isn't true because as I said, when we take care of ourselves at that high level, we get to share that version with everybody. We get to show up as that higher version of ourselves.
Tina 00:08:49 Another reason is it's a trauma response. So when you suffer from abuse or neglect, whether that's when your child or even as an adult. You do this to cope. So that's you know, exactly what I was doing. People pleasing is a way to stay safe and avoid harm, to avoid conflict. You know, even if it's something that's not like most people wouldn't consider extremely, extremely traumatic. Like maybe you just had a parent that was somebody that yelled a lot, or maybe it was even a teacher that yelled a lot. What could you possibly do? And that that really bothered you? And what could you possibly do to stop the yelling? Everything. Like, what could I do? How can I place this person so that they never yell again? Because it makes me so uncomfortable? So it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be, you know, extremely, extremely in a very traumatic situation. It could be, it could be so many different things, like so in my, in my example.
Tina 00:09:51 And I'm going to share more about what I went through in a little bit. But, you know, I was the victim of some verbal abuse. It was, like, constantly demeaning, calling me names, telling me I'm stupid, you know, calling me an idiot. And so people pleasing for me was a way to protect me from that, and make myself feel better and make myself and make me look better. Or so I thought would make me look better. another reason is, once again, going back to that societal conditioning, because it could also be cultural. There's different cultures where, once again, I'm going to go back to this is more common in women that women are raised to take care to center men in their lives, and this really doesn't benefit them in any way, shape or form at all. And I see a shift in this a very, and I'm at a very positive shift. I believe that, you know, if you're going to align yourself with a partner, that it should be an equal relationship in both sides of that partnership should benefit.
Tina 00:11:00 So you should both be taking care of each other. It shouldn't just be one way. another thing that happens is codependency. So their worth or I should say your worth or my worth or stability, in the relationships depends on constantly attending to the other person. That's also something that I did. And so I felt in order to maintain the relationship and stay safe and stay stable, you know, and keep my three kids safe, I had to constantly be attending to this other person and making them happy and doing everything I possibly could to keep the peace and keep everything smooth sailing. Okay, so my story really is very interesting because when I was growing up, I was a very, very empowered person and I never intended on getting married. I never intended on having children, which I think is so funny because I have three children and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. But I never really wanted to get married because I never really saw the benefit of it. And the only reason I got married was because I wanted children, and I thought I needed to be married for that, which is just definitely a falsehood.
Tina 00:12:12 But that's what I felt at the time. So this is back in the 90s, early 90s, and I felt like that was the best thing to do for not just myself, but also for the child. And so I married this person and this person, you know, all the red flags were there, you know, like, so they love bombed me and gave me all this, these beautiful things and treated me great and cooked for me and, and did all these beautiful things for me. But then as soon as we got married, that stopped pretty much instantaneously. And I was told that now that that was my job to do all that stuff. And so I was very young and I was in a situation where I was really uncomfortable and I thought that this was something that was normal. And so I kind of just went along with it, but it just got worse and worse and worse. And so like the verbal abuse started and then the people pleasing started and it created this vicious cycle.
Tina 00:13:11 So like I started off as this very confident woman, very confident. And I was constantly being compared to like like his friends wives. And why can't you be like this and why can't you be like that? And so I would try to be like that, and I was constantly trying to be someone else and step out of my myself and my, my true self and be like this and be like that. But it was never it was never, ever good enough. And that's often, often the case. And so I was I was made fun of in front of his friends. I was called names constantly. And, this depleted my self-worth and my self-confidence. And it also depleted my trust and myself because I always felt so confident in myself. I was very capable. I had a really good job at a very young age. I bought my first car by myself while my parents helped me a little bit. I have to have to be honest with that. They definitely helped me a little bit.
Tina 00:14:16 But I bought my first car when I was 17. A brand new car, like I was very capable of taking care of myself. And over the years from this abuse, I turned into this person. I wasn't even like a fraction of the person I was. It completely debilitated me because once I lost that trust in myself and what I mean by trust in myself, like my ability to make decisions that kept me safe and helped me thrive. Once I learned that I lost that trust in myself, then I just spiraled and went lower and lower and lower. And so that's why, you know, some people might say, well, why did you stay in a relationship that was so abusive for so long. And it was because I, I didn't I didn't even feel like I even deserve to get out. Like I really thought that I wasn't worth it. Like I was completely convinced that I was not good enough. And so it took, I believe, that I did it for my children. I didn't when I came out of that relationship, I didn't do it for myself.
Tina 00:15:20 I did it for my children because that behavior was starting to be put on my children also. And like, you know, when it comes to a parent, you know, and that that mama bear energy comes in, I was like, oh, hell no, that's not going to happen to my kids. And and that was the end of that. But it took a while for me to get there. It was terrifying, because when you're going from no self-worth to having to, like, just jump out into the unknown, it was really with three children under your wings like it was. It was a really difficult situation to leave. And so, in my case now, I feel like I'm the girl I was before I went into that relationship. I finally feel like I came full circle. It's so bizarre to me because, like, this started when I was in my 20s, and now I'm in my 50s. And, you know, some people like, well, do you feel like something was stolen from you? And I don't feel that way because I benefited so much from my children.
Tina 00:16:26 And I do believe, that those children were meant to be mine. And no matter what situation I was in, if I married a different person or whatever, I would have still had those children in my life. I truly believe that's the way the universe works. so I, I do believe, like all those years, all that time and all the things, the relationships I built with my children that are stronger than any relationship I've ever experienced in my life, That? no, I don't feel like anything was stolen from me. And I also am one of the strongest people I know. Like, I know I could get through anything, I know I could handle anything. And so, I believe it's taught me it has accelerated my growth in this lifetime. So, so much. And I have so I've learned so much, on my recovery from this place. And now I have the purpose. My purpose in life is to share all the things that I did to get me out of this situation and be able to move into a place where I return to myself.
Tina 00:17:37 That that young woman who was so strong and so confident and I returned to that true self identity, but with, with all the experience, the years and years of experience and education and all of that under my belt. I feel extremely powerful in this part of my life, and I also feel, extremely grateful for everything that I have. Now that I can give to other people. I could help other people not experience this or recover or heal from this quicker than I did. So I feel like this is, a gift to be able to share that with you and anybody else who comes across this podcast or me in any way, shape or form. So that part of my life may be like like when I look back on it, it's not I don't even recognize that person. I don't recognize that woman. And as some of you know, I did have a stroke. So after I went through the process of divorce, which was one of the most Difficult things I ever had to do. extremely, confrontational divorce, lasted a long time.
Tina 00:19:06 once I it was. It's so funny how the body reacts to stress, because once I was safe and settled, I bought a house. I made a home for my kids. Once I was in that position of safety. My. That's when my body decided to have a stroke. Like, it was like, okay, you need to rest now, so you're going to have a stroke and then you're going to rest and then you're going to start over. And so it was like, once I got through hell, you know, I walked through how I carried my children through hell. And I got to a place where I knew I was safe. I knew they were safe. Then that was it. I collapsed. That was like I was so stressed and I wasn't completely taking care of myself. And there were so many things that I did that were helpful. But there were also so many things that I did wrong because I didn't know any better. I was trying to help myself, but I did a lot of things that made things, things like health wise, worse, you know? So I'll be sharing more of that journey with you too.
Tina 00:20:09 But this the reason why I wanted to share, this boundary series with you is because I believe that boundaries, learning how to set and maintain boundaries after what I went through was one. It was the foundation that held everything else together. So yeah, you could do the meditation, you could do the breathwork, you could do all the somatic healing practices. You could do the therapy. Right. You could do you could do all the like, I'm going to talk to my friends. I'm going to like, I'm going to cry. I'm going to scream. I'm going to do all the things to help myself heal. Movement, all those things. But they're only going to get you so far. They're only going to get you so far if you don't have something put into place that's going to continue to protect you, that's going to not expose you to those things that that broke you down in the first place. And so setting and maintaining boundaries, I believe, is the foundation for all the other practices that you're going to do the journaling, everything, the gratitude practices.
Tina 00:21:17 It's the foundation that holds all that other stuff up. It's the foundation that helps you start to build that resilience that you need. Right? Because when I first started, I had no resilience. Anything that was even slightly stressful, like throw me off into a spiral, right? Because I was so broken down. It's like, how do you build that resilience up? You need to have the foundation of boundaries, how to set the boundaries, how to understand what boundaries are, how to maintain them, how to feel good about maintaining them. It's not going to feel good at first, especially if you are like a award winning people pleaser like myself. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable and it's not going to feel good. It's not going to feel completely safe in your body at first, because it wasn't the reason why you turned into a people pleaser. Because it wasn't safe, right? You were protecting yourself most of the time. Not not all the time. And so I believe that this series is like the starting point for me to share my story and all the practices that I share within soul aligned self-care and my business and my coaching and my online programs.
Tina 00:22:32 I share all the practices that I believe that I saw as the most effective in my healing journey, and my clients and I share them over and over and constantly with you on the podcast. In my private coaching, in my online programs. I share all those practices with you. And as I said, boundaries is the foundation of that. That supports and holds up all those other self-care practices and all the other work that you're going to do, and it's going to help you keep building up that resilience and keep bringing you back to yourself. And you're not going to fall back because you're protecting yourself. You have those boundaries in place, and it's not going to be perfect at first. You can't expect perfection. You're going to, you know, constantly fall back a little bit. You're going to take two steps forward, maybe half a step back, you know, and still to this day, I have to evaluate and look at things and say, oh, I need a boundary there. Like nobody's perfect.
Tina 00:23:37 You know, it's a it's an ongoing lifestyle change. It's a process. It's not some kind of end point that you reach. All of a sudden you're you're you're completely protected and you're never going to have to set another boundary again. No, our lives are constantly changing or circumstances are constantly changing, our relationships are constantly changing, so we're always going to have new boundaries to set. So learning to kind of look at your life and all those different topics, all those different things that I covered. So like when I was talking about a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, maybe childhood, programming, avoiding conflict, your desire for approval, maybe guilt. You know, the mom guilt, a trauma response, cultural and societal conditioning, codependency. you know, all those different things, looking at your life and saying, you know, just even just acknowledging that you might be people pleasing in some, some way and looking at those different areas and saying, maybe it's this, maybe this is why I did that.
Tina 00:24:46 And, you know, maybe also not. Maybe, but Also deciding on a soul level. So what do I mean by soul level? Soul like I believe like your soul is like your true self, your true self that's always there. It's always nothing depletes that true self. You have your body. You have your meat suit that you live in. Your soul lives in that meat suit. When you die, your soul lives on, right? That's my belief system. Everybody has a different belief system, but it's like your true authentic self, right? So on a soul level, you know, just aligning, aligning with that true self and that your wants and your needs, when you start to do that, you start acknowledging that it's going to automatically start to create boundaries. Okay. But next week on the podcast, I'm going to get into the emotional toll of people pleasing, which I talked about a little bit. But, you know, talking about the burnout that I experienced and the level of burnout which was intense.
Tina 00:25:53 I'm talking. I lost my hair, I lost weight, I, I, I couldn't feel certain emotions in my body. I really, really, really got burnt out and, you know, and then I'm going to talk about what is the first step to recognizing when and where boundaries are needed. So I want you to think about this week's episode. You know, whether you're a people pleaser or not, even if it's just in a small way, and why you think, where did that come from? Okay. And deciding, deciding in, you're at a soul level that you're going to start to align with your true self and your wants and your needs. Making that decision now is the first step. I will see you next week, where we'll be talking about the emotional toll of people pleasing and the first step to setting boundaries and knowing where you need to set boundaries I love you.
