Are you anything like me and you've been single forever and you're pretty happy and you
have no intention whatsoever on dating or maybe you've been single for a while and you're
ready to jump back in?
Today's guest, Lily Buley, is a dating coach for finding love with over 10 years experience
in personal development.
She herself went from just surviving in life to thriving in love and purpose.
Currently she's helping single and successful women love dating and find true love.
So, let's get into this.
You're listening to the Soul Aligned Self-Care Podcast.
I'm your host Tina Stinson and I had a stroke at the age of 39 from stress and burnout
that shook my world.
Now I'm laying it all out.
The deep-level self-care practices and mindset shifts that I needed that kept me healthy,
balanced and thriving.
Join me in this intimate space as we explore healing, resilience and a soul's journey to alignment.
This is where real conversations about deep-level self-care happen.
Let's get into it.
Hey, Lily, welcome to the Soul Aligned Self-Care Podcast.
Thanks for coming on today.
How are you doing?
Thanks Tina.
I'm doing great.
So much for having me here.
I'm so excited to have this conversation.
I am too.
I am too because I have pretty much written off dating.
So I think that this is a really interesting conversation for us to have.
And I think even though I think this will be therapeutic for my audience, I think it will
be really therapeutic for myself too.
So I'm excited about it.
So we could start it if you could tell us a little bit about yourself and maybe a little
bit about your journey too.
Yeah, totally.
Well, yes.
I love talking about all things dating and all things love.
Hopefully, we'll talk about some things that people don't normally talk about because that's
one of my biggest values in my life.
But yeah, I started on this journey.
I always like to say that I was born with a big heart, a big open heart.
I'm like at my core.
I'm loving.
I'm caring.
I'm kind.
And growing up in a few different things influenced me, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.
And that was that the models that I have, like my mom and my dad, for example, wasn't really
a great, great model for a healthy relationship.
What I've seen in my work with myself and clients is that we're either modeled.
If we're not modeled like a healthy, epic love relationship or modeled either like a dominant
submissive type of situation or a roommate style situation.
So my parents were definitely the former, like the submissive and dominant thing was the
thing that I most saw in my household growing up in an abusive, you know, traumatic environment,
going through my life with failed relationship after quote unquote, failed relationship.
What I learned was that, you know, and through my own journey and my development and my healing,
what I learned and kind of like really fast forward to today, what I learned was that I
don't know if you were ever this person Tina in your relationships or if anyone that's
listening was the same way, but in my last relationship, for example, I was the one that
held all of the weight in the relationship.
I was the one pushing the relationship forward.
I was the one learning.
I was the one growing.
I was the one learning the love languages of myself and my partner to try to make it better.
I was the one learning better communication styles.
And if you've grown up with these things in your life, what I've, what I've learned through
my healing and the healing of my clients is that the, when you're in a relationship with
someone who doesn't want to be there or doesn't want to learn and doesn't want to grow,
one of my coaches said this one time is that you cannot polish a turd.
Okay.
I like that.
Okay.
So the importance of, especially if you are like me and I think that you, you are based
off what I know about you.
And if you are like me, the, the importance of finding and picking the right person from
the beginning, which is endating is so, so important, right?
Yeah.
And it is very hard to pick the right person if we haven't done the healing inside of
ourselves to relearn how to listen to our intuition, to speak up for our needs in our
wants and desires, to know what our needs in our wants and desires are, to date with confidence
and alignment and authenticity.
If we have all of these things that have happened to us in our lives and there's a lot of blocking
happening inside of us subconscious and unconscious mostly because I know that you've
done your work and I know your, your audience have done their work too, but you know, all
of the things that are blocking us are really what's happening on the inside of ourselves.
And that's why I think it's so important that, that we focus on dating from the beginning.
So we don't get into situations where we get stuck where we stayed longer than we're supposed
to where we are really kind of holding our breath for two or three months, not knowing
if this person is right for us or not.
So the healing work that we do inside of ourselves is about again, learning how to discern quickly
who is right for us and who is not, how to speak up, how to say yes when it really means
yes.
Like if you've had trauma in your past listening to your gut does not work because your
gut is is a little bit confused about what's happening inside of you, right?
So there's this whole thing about dating, you know, my colleagues, for example, will
look at dating from the outside in, right?
So like what to put on your dating profile, your friends and your family will say, oh, just
go have fun.
I don't know about you Tina, but if Lily goes out and goes and it has fun, it does not
end well, right?
The fun part of Lily is the part that self sacrifices, okay?
And that's not what we want, right?
And a line partnership.
So that's kind of, that's how I got here.
Yeah.
Because it's so important if you really want to call in an epic love long term committed relationship.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think, yeah, I have so many things that I could say to everything you just said, but I think,
I think the best thing to start with is learning to heal that part of you where you do start,
you know you can trust your gutter.
And I think that I think it's important to do that before you like really jump into any
type of serious relationship because it's a part of you that you need that connection
with yourself.
It's almost like if you lost your sense of smell or sense of sight or you're hearing, would
you try to repair it?
Would not be the first thing that you would like, oh my God, I have to fix this because
I feel like your intuition is just as important and healing that part of you is important to
be able to, it's almost like being able to trust yourself and that gut feeling.
Absolutely.
And then also on top of that, I feel like being able to look at yourself, not place blame
on others and be unable to like look at yourself and say, okay, if you, if you notice like
a pattern of something you're doing over and over again, then, you know, there's something
to be said there that, you know, like that, that that has everything to do with me, you
know, it's not like if you see yourself, oh, all
manner the same and they all, they all do this and then whatever, then that's just a pattern.
That's just some kind of a lesson you need to learn that's something you need to shift
in yourself because there's a reason why that particular type of person is showing up
for you each time.
And that's when I stopped dating, honestly, when I was like, wait a minute here.
And I was like, I need to like go inward and look at myself because I'm getting the same
thing every time.
And I, it's not something that I want.
So why am I getting this?
100%, 100%, the outside, the inside of our self, and this is kind of when no one talks
about in dating, right?
They'll talk about, you know, even personal development is, is I think wrong in some cases
about this because we've been taught that, and this is true, but what we're missing, these
little nuance pieces about self love and self love, you know, we'll hear, you have to
love yourself in order for someone to love you, right?
But the thing is, is that self love, along with love outside of ourselves, has become transactional.
And self, you know, self love, I think is two parts compassion to one part action, right?
And the, the tough thing about where, you know, where women that come to me are is that they
have done really well in their lives at overcoming and healing and being quote unquote resilient.
They're done really well in business or with money, but that love and relationship piece is
just really something that they cannot seem to get right.
And what it is is parts of ourselves, like what you said about patterns that you don't
like that you're seeing in our lives, what it is is the patterns are really connected to
wounded parts of us inside of ourselves, right?
So are our, you know, quote unquote limiting beliefs, right?
And for women that have done all a lot of work, you have done a really good job of getting
to the conscious elements of your healing, but the patterns as within so without, right?
And I say this with love, like just what you were saying, Tina, so there's something unconscious
or subconscious happening inside of us, whether if like, for example, if in the dating archetypes
that I have, I have a four women feminine dating archetypes.
I know you took the quiz is so like the goddess woman, for example, has done a lot of work in
her in her healing and her development.
She has written out the qualities and values and characteristics that she wants in her next
partner.
She's written a letter, you know, that's what everyone, everyone teaches.
But what is showing up for her on the other, other side is emotionally unavailable men,
men that are dysregulated, men that cannot meet her where she needs to be met and whatever
way.
And what that tells me if that's a pattern, what that tells me as a coach and who's gone
through this and done this like hundreds and thousands of hours is that there's some disconnect
between inside of her and that's the work, the work that we do, whether there is a disconnect
between whether it be, there's a perfectionist piece that per part of her inside of her that
needs to be healed or looked at.
There's a part of her that really needs to be in control that needs to be looked at
and healed.
There's a part of her that needs to work on boundaries, for example, you know, time,
boundaries, energetic boundaries, boundaries, family, job, whatever pattern of pattern.
But here's what I love to say about this is your patterns aren't you.
They are just a part of you that is screaming to be healed.
And then still we heal that that that we will not change that with gratitude list affirmations,
mindset shifts, breathwork, yoga, but until we get to those unconscious and some conscious
things, then we'll start to see the changes inside of ourselves with which are replicated
outside of ourselves.
Yeah.
And I would say that that's probably one of the hardest steps to take, especially if you're
continuously dating and you're not willing to just like take a step back and really like
focus on yourself for a little while.
You know, if you can't like take that step back and like look at yourself and see how you're
showing up and see what that part is that need to be healed and you're like caught in the
hustle, bustle of it, you're just going to be stuck in that same pattern for like a lifetime
probably, you know.
I agree.
Yeah.
And so I discovered what I think I was, you know, like my pattern, so to speak, was that
I wasn't showing up as myself.
So I was like the people, plays there.
So I wasn't, you know, I was in like a very verbally abusive relationship for a long, long
time.
And so it took me a while to really build up my confidence and reconnect that connection
with myself where like I said earlier, trusting your intuition, trusting your gut.
And I worked really hard to get there.
But then I noticed that all of my, once I started doing this work, every single relationship
I ever had changed because those relationships weren't authentic because of me.
And because I was showing up as what I thought they wanted me to be.
And this included like my, my closest friends, like my girlfriends, women that I was friends
with for 20, 30 years, you know, like just having seen the shift happen.
It was terrifying.
So like, you know, like people moved out of my life and the people moved in.
And so I started to connect as my authentic self.
And then now that I had a backbone, so to speak, and I was setting boundaries and I knew
exactly what I want.
And at my age, I'm 55, I was like, I'm not willing to like settle.
I'd rather just be alone for the rest of my life.
And, you know, like I'm happy.
I'm good.
You know, I'm not, you know, a lot of women that are younger are searching for like that relationship
to say, want to have children and stuff like that.
You know, like, so I've been there, done that.
And so I'm kind of like, it would be really nice to have a partner, to have someone to share
my life with, but it don't like need it.
And I'm not willing to like bend out of, out of my life, out of my, my boundaries and
the things that are important to me.
And it's not saying it's not me saying I will not compromise.
It's just I'm not willing to bend for having like 100% a partner and not be like someone's
mother or take care of them or like a sex object or whatever, you know, and so that's what
I learned about myself.
So here I am.
And I'm just kind of like, yeah, whatever happens happens.
But I do go back and forth.
What are the art archetypes again?
Like because I can't remember what mine was all, but I was like, yes, that's spot on.
That's me.
It's so funny when people take the archetype quiz and they're like, oh my god, the way you're
seeing me way too much.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll go over those.
I do want to say like there is.
Okay.
So what I do is very unique and it's bespoke and it's very nuanced because yes, I agree with
you.
There is a time where we need to kind of wall up our heart and heal and heal, right?
And there is also a time which is amazing.
Like in here's where the rubber meets the road sometimes because yes, you're right.
We don't need men.
We don't need anything.
We can do we are hyper independent.
We have we have we've done it.
We've been through it.
We overcome.
We're good.
We're solid.
And there is then that's a beautiful place to be, right?
And it's probably not a place that we, it what for me wasn't a place that I had ever
been or experienced in my life, right?
And the when I got into this healing work specifically in my life about dating and relationship,
I knew that I wanted someone in my life, but I knew that I, because of the past, I knew
that I didn't want them to complete me.
I didn't want them to take away from me.
I wanted them to enhance me.
Mm hmm.
You'd fulfill me, right?
We are already.
You know, when you have healed enough so that your light, you know, people always say in
this spiritual world, like, oh, let your light shine, right?
It is very hard to quote unquote, let your light shine on the outside.
If your light does not feel safe on the inside of yourself, and that is the healing work.
And so when it comes to love and fulfillment, I always like to say like, if we've done enough
work, our light is pretty bright.
But what's amazing in this kind of epic love relationship when we find the right person
is that it's like a dial on an old school radio.
It just gets turned up.
Or, you know, it's not because again that we are incomplete or something is wrong with
us or we need to be fixed.
But when we have that person in our life, there is an opportunity to do that.
So here's why I'm saying this is because in my programs, for example, my programs are extended
and length for two reasons.
One is because we need to like healing takes a period of time.
It takes to rewire our nervous system, to rewire our mind, to rewire our body.
It takes time.
So the like the length of my programs are extended so I can help women get to where they want
to go.
And part of my program is for the first two or three months, all we do is foundational
healing.
So you're right.
There is a time to focus inside of ourselves.
And my challenge with that is that they're, I call dating trigger town.
Like,
Yeah.
So my challenge with that is that dating, everything in dating that is going to come up that's
just regulating, that's triggering, that is patterns that you've seen can kind of only
happen when you are out there dating.
But what's different is if you go through dating with someone like me or a therapist or
a coach or, you know, whatever it is that you decide to do is that you have an objective
person taking a look at your triggers and your blind spots instead of your friends,
instead of your family who don't make you feel seen, heard and understood.
Yeah.
So there are things that happen in the dating process that are only going to come up in the
dating process.
So with love, you know, I always like to say like you and I or whoever it is, you know,
that I work with can hold hands and go through trigger town for all of the things that are
going to come up.
I love that.
I'm sorry.
It's so funny, right?
Yeah.
I know, but it's true.
Yeah, this is your right.
Yeah.
So there are things that are going to come up like if I was a business coach, I wouldn't
be like being like, okay, well, you know, our goal is going to be to get to 10 K months and
you're just going to hang back.
We're going to do a little bit of healing before we do action, right?
It's within the action that the triggers are going to come up, right?
So that's one thing I just want to plug and say is that there is an architect called
the Fortress Woman.
So if anyone's listening, I have a quiz over 2000 women have taken the feminine dating archetype
quiz.
It's a dating archetype got calm.
But the Fortress Woman is in that pattern, that archetype of being really okay inside
of herself and walling up our heart because there's, you know, love has been pain in the past.
So there's, you know, there isn't a lot of self trust with like you talked about with the
Fortress Woman because love means pain.
So, you know, what happens is is that she kind of closes up her heart a little bit because
there is no self trust.
She doesn't know how to pick who to invite into her heart and who to not.
So it's just like, yeah, I'm good, right?
Yeah.
So that's, you know, that's a good injury way into a question about the archetype, but there
are four of them.
So what are the four archetypes?
Okay, cool.
So just a few things about the archetypes is that this was me, this was God in my higher
self really conspiring to show me in my journey that there were different faiths that I
went through and there are four different archetypes, but archetype, you know, against people
can get caught in them.
And that's when, you know, there's an opportunity to heal whatever next layer there is to heal.
So that combined with, you know, attachment theory, God was like, there is something here
Lily and hear what happened, you know, is the dating archetypes came up.
The chill woman is the first one.
She's super familiar with overwhelm, anxiety and overthinking in the dating process.
Like typically this will happen, this will pop up after like 24, 48, 72 hours after not hearing
from someone.
The chill woman does sometimes sleep with her dating interest a lot sooner than she wants
to because she really wants love.
She really wants connection and she can convince herself parts of her can convince herself
that she's okay with sleeping with this person, but she's really not either she is shutting
down the parts of her that want love or she's kind of putting aside and maybe like internally
gaslighting herself a little bit in order to get connection and love, right?
So the chill man also attracts a lot of men who just want to hang out and chill, like has
really no direction and she says yes again because she really wants connection and love.
The opportunity for the chill woman to heal is about boundaries on the inside of herself,
the outside of herself.
Also there are parts of her that aren't feeling seen and understood and she really needs
to do the healing work to understand what her needs and wants and desires are.
That's like the first step for the chill woman.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
And I like how you explain it, it's almost like steps that a lot of people will go through,
go from one to the next to the next to the next.
That makes sense.
Totally.
Yeah, I was the chill woman for decades.
Yeah.
I mean decades.
Definitely me too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The Forkshur's woman we already talked about a little bit.
She has the wall, like the size of the Great Wall of China around her heart basically.
Yeah.
Very hard to.
Yeah.
Again, it's so funny, right?
She's been a hurt by love before, but the only way to defend her heart is to not let someone
in.
Here's what's funny about the Forkshur's woman.
If you're listening Forkshur's woman, I see you and I know this is triggering.
But when I was the Forkshur's woman, I own my vision board had this big, beautiful mansion
of a house, no partner, but like a million cats and dogs.
You know, that was how I was going to get my love.
People getting called out today.
I know.
So she, you know, the Forkshur's woman is her work if she's open to doing it, which I know
that you're okay.
I know you're okay alone.
And I know that you can put yourself out there and still be safe inside of yourself.
That's the work.
The work for the Forkshur's woman is to look at the vulnerability inside of herself.
What parts of her has she pushed away, pushed down or maybe even like gaslighted?
Or not?
No, it haven't been looking at.
Self-trust is a lot of work the Forkshur's woman has to do in learning how to listen to
her intuition.
Those are her next steps.
The goddess woman is the next one.
And the goddess woman is mostly I work with the chill woman or the goddess woman because
the chill woman is really open to changing those patterns.
Also the goddess woman.
And the goddess woman is super confused and frustrated with the dating scene and love in particular.
She's into personal growth work.
She's into personal fulfillment.
Her, what's difficult for the goddess woman is she recognizes this like imposter syndrome
and dating because on the outside with her friends, her family, maybe her social media
profiles.
She's typically like a coach, a healer, maybe an executive and she leads people.
She's a leader in some ways but also a helper.
Her outward perception of herself and what's happening inside of her is very different
than what's happening on the inside of herself.
So there's a disconnect between what she's portraying and what's happening especially
in dating and relationships.
And dating and relationships tends to be the last piece in the goddess woman's kind of
psyche and growth and development that you just can't get to.
Typically she attracts men that are kind of lower, like less, less developed than she is.
So she becomes like you said earlier, like their, their mother, their teacher, their
coach or their healer.
I know, right?
Okay.
Yes.
So like deep down she really wants to be coveted and she really wants to be chased but
there's a level of vulnerability inside of herself that she has not gotten to quite yet.
Emotional of vulnerability.
The healing for the goddess woman is a lot about perfectionism and control and this is
why this is hard.
This is why this step is really, really hard to take into healing these parts of her is
because she has gotten to where she is today.
She is really resilient.
She's been through a lot of stuff and her perfectionism and control have really got her
to this place that she is today.
But the last layer for her in the dating and relationship piece is and it's not about letting
go.
You know, that's a big misconception.
It's about understanding, loving, seeing, hearing parts of her that are really, really
leading her perfectionism and her control in her probably regular life.
Again, a pattern is a pattern is a pattern, but especially in dating and relationships.
Okay.
Yeah.
I could see that.
Yeah.
That's probably another, that's probably really difficult to get past and what is the
last one?
The last one is the magnetic woman.
Yeah.
And that's the woman that I aspire to be at least 80% of the time.
I've healed a lot of my perfectionist wounds inside of myself.
A lot of my control wounds as well.
And the magnetic woman knows who she is and what she wants.
She's discerning of who is good for her, excuse me, who is good for her and who is not very
quickly.
And that's in regular life, not just in dating, but she's able, there's a connection now
between her body and her mind.
The goddess woman, pretty much every archetype besides the magnetic woman is very cerebral.
Like lots of overthinking, lots of persiferating, lots of trying to figure out what's happening
in your head and then the other person's head as well.
So the healing connects the body and the mind so that they are both on the same page.
And so that's how, that's where intuition lies as women.
That's where our self-trust comes is, again, listening to your gut is not as easy as
you just say, "Oh, I'm going to listen to my gut because your gut is actually coming if
you haven't done your unconscious and subconscious healing work, your gut is actually your trauma."
Right.
Yeah.
So the magnetic woman, her internal worth and her magnetism has moved from her head to
her body.
She's also learned to speak up for her needs and her wants and desires and is okay either
way, whether she gets what she wants or not.
That's a move from the goddess woman to the magnetic woman.
The goddess woman is probably really good at communicating.
But there's some type of attachment, some type of anxiety and attachment from when she
speaks up.
There's an expectation for someone to change or to say what she wants or something like
that.
So the magnetic woman is really patient because she is honoring of herself.
She speaks up for her needs and her wants and desires and that's really, that's really
all that needs to happen because no one in her life and she has never spoken up for herself
before.
Right.
So there's internal calmness and compassion that comes from the magnetic woman as well.
It's so interesting because that's the one that I got.
But I still feel like I have like one foot in the goddess.
You know what I mean?
I don't feel like I'm completely there now that you're talking about it.
But like when you said the connection between the mind and the body, like I legit and this
isn't just in dating, this is just in regular people, anything.
Like I cannot move forward with anyone if I just get that feeling.
Like I just like we're back in the day when I was like, you know, that first one.
I was just like, yeah, just like, yeah, it's all fine.
You know, now we'll see what happens.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And now I'm like that right there or that one thing that happened or just just a feeling
I got being with that person, I have an conversation with the person.
It's like a feeling of it in my body.
You know, not I thought that bad, that person is a bad person, but it's an it for me.
Like I don't know if it is the right word, but like it's just like I can't even move forward.
It would be like a lie in my own body.
And I just, I feel it on that level.
Yeah.
Definitely don't want to discount that.
But I want to, I want to, I understand that and to add to the conversation here is what
I've learned about this.
Like people say, you know, there's, it's all over again, Instagram and whatever.
Like if it's not a hell, yes, it's a hell, no.
I don't believe that anymore.
And here's why I did have to go through that phase, right?
And that was like goddess woman phase really more than anything.
Here's why I don't believe that is because trauma, things that have happened to us in
the past are parts of us really see the world as black and white, right?
Either.
I'm all, you know, like how many times have you said like I'm all in person, I'm an all in
person or it's either like anything in your life again.
Is it black or is it white?
Is it hell yes or is it hell no?
The movement, this is a very, very hard step, right?
Because a lot of time, you know, that's all we, we see as far as spiritual work or development.
The movement from being in the gray area, like the magnetic moment can be in the gray area
because there is nothing that is going, nothing or no one or any instance or any experience
is going to take her off her path.
Again, this is not a perfect thing.
Like I make mistakes, of course in my life.
Like I have, I'm imperfect a lot.
I give myself 20% of imperfections, which is, you know, it's a part of me.
It's like, come on girl.
You know?
But trauma will tell us that it's either black or white.
So the work is, can you stay and this is, this is really, this is nuance now.
Don't want people like that are listening to this to be like, well, Lily said just to stay
in the IK, right?
Like we never want to be in an abusive situation ever, right?
Like there's a very, but we're past that, right?
Like we've done the healing work or past that because we, you know, we've established a great
life for ourselves since then.
But since we're here, can we, how long can we stay in the unknown and still be safe in
ourselves?
That's the work.
It's, that's the, that's really the resiliency of our nervous system and being able to,
again, determine who is right for her, us and who is not or what is right for us and what
is not.
And I'm not saying, again, like if it's gross, I'm not saying to stay by any means.
And God speaks to me in the space and the more that I healed my trauma because again, I'm
coming from a place of, if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no with a black and white thinking,
you know, very like, you know, very like segmented and, and, you know, that's the cognitive
mind.
But the body, if it's safe inside of ourselves, if there's space inside of ourselves where
we can connect with our highest self, connect with what, who we are and what we want, like
you were talking about this authenticity, then that is the space that I get guidance from
God, higher self, higher power universe, whatever word, spirit, whatever word that connects
with, with people.
And that tells us, especially in dating and relationship, is it's a person that I can hang
back a little bit and, and maybe that was, you know, and, and see a little bit more about
who they are?
And give them a little bit of space about maybe it was a mistake.
And again, I'm not, this is very nuanced because I'm not saying to do that, but I'm saying
that there is an opportunity for us to find out who people are and stay true, true to
ourselves, which is a skill that we haven't known in the past, which is, that's why it's
hard.
That's why it's an edge.
Yeah.
I think I could see what you're saying.
So kind of like, almost like, you know, because of the trauma that we've had in the
past, you know, something that comes up, you know, might seem like an IK or it could just
be almost something that triggered you in a way that might be misconceived or you might
be over, over judging it or viewing it the wrong way.
And to maybe give it a little more time or space to make sure that it's what you think
it is and not just something way more superficial.
So giving it some space.
But yeah, I understand what you're saying.
And yeah, I think I don't have any tolerance for abuse anymore or any type of like, yeah,
it's just those red flags just like are instantaneously there.
And I think because I was inside of that behavior for so long, like 20 years or so, like I know,
like all of those little gas lighting procedures or whatever you want to call them.
But there is some truth to that what you're saying because I feel like, you know, I could definitely
prejudge someone very quickly just by a comment they made or like, well, they like this movie
so they must be this type of person or end of him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hear you.
I hear you.
That's like, that's the perfectionism and control that we're talking about in the Justice
woman.
And yeah, what's great, what I like, I will plug myself and say what I love about my programs
is that it's healing, but it's also we, we set up a specific for the client accountability,
filter dating boundaries system like I love systems.
Systems are sexy to me.
So we set up a process in the system where, you know, if you, if parts of you are open
and okay with understanding who this person is, then we can go in there and kind of dip a toe
into finding out who this person is and it doesn't have to be long.
It doesn't have to be extended.
It doesn't have to be, you know, like it doesn't have to be like, I'm going to go out on
a date with this person.
Like I can't tell you how many dates that I was, I, when I was dating that I went on where
I wanted to leave within five minutes, but I felt stuck there because it was out of dinner.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
So what we do is we create a process and a system for you so it's not energetically taxing,
it's not energetically draining and we can give that person space before cutting them off,
right?
Because of these perfection and all while healing the stuff on the inside.
And then it's like, it's not that dating sucks.
It's that you, the experience that we're having with dating sucks.
So how do we change the experience, right?
So that's, yeah, that's, yeah, all that I do.
Yeah, that's, yeah, how do we change that's a whole other episode, I think.
Well, to like end off this conversation, just one last question and because this topic
came up, came up over and over again as we were talking was the intuition topic.
Would you say that that connection with self is like probably one of the most important
things that we need to, I don't want to really say focus on, but like heal, repair, work
on expand whatever you, whatever word you want to use.
Would you say that that's really one of the most important things we need to think about
when we're moving forward?
Absolutely.
The most important thing.
Yeah.
You know, as within so without.
And so for the goddess woman, the perfectionism and control and again, this is not conscious
until we bring it to the conscious, right?
This is definitely subconscious and unconscious, but there are parts of her inside of herself
that are very controlling within her, like her inner critic or her perfectionist part,
her, her part that really likes to control.
There are things happening inside of her that the result of healing those things is that
her thoughts, her behaviors, her beliefs and her emotions are all lining up with who she
is and what she wants, right?
But inside of that goddess woman, inside of her, there is a part of her that is very perfectionistic
and mean to herself on the inside, as within so without, right?
So that is her, that's why healing is so foundational at this level.
And again, this is like, you know, I have clients that have been in therapy for decades
and come to me.
And again, I'm a coach, not a therapist, but for whatever reason has not been able to
get to those three or four levels deeper than what they, where they need to meet themselves
at.
And that's what I facilitate, but absolutely it has everything to do with self.
And it's more than, oh, I just need more self love when you're behaviors and who you're
accepting into your life, don't reflect the love that you have for yourself.
Then that's your work on the inside.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's a perfect way to end this conversation.
I could have used you about 10 years ago, really?
But you're here now.
So how can people connect with you?
Yeah, thank you so much for this time, Tina, you're amazing.
If anyone, like I said, wants to go take the Feminine Dating Archetype quiz, it's at datingarchetype.com.
It will help.
It's two minutes.
It will help you reveal your blocks to love and find your true love match.
And then also, if anyone wants to connect with me on social, I'm at all the socials at
Lily Bueley.
Perfect.
That'll all be in the show notes.
Thanks again for coming on.
Thanks for your knowledge and everything.
Thanks for my little mini therapy session.
Yeah.
I knew I was going to be getting called out somehow today.
I know it.
It's all with love.
It's all with love.
No, it is.
It's good.
It's perfect.
So thanks again for coming on.
My pleasure.
Did you guys know that the SoulAlignSelfCare podcast has a community?
It's called the SoulAlignSelfCare Insiders and I would love you guys to join us over there.
So the link will be in the show notes and I want to say we do so many cool self-care
practices over there.
So if you really want to up-level your self-care, join us on the insiders.
Okay, I'll see you there.
